Hey, Are You Listening? The secret to making people feel heard.

Hey, Are You Listening? The secret to making people feel heard is actually quite simple...you have to listen.

Let’s be real: tuning out during a conversation can be just as awkward as outright ignoring someone. It’s almost an art form to chime in with one too many “That’s crazy” paired with a nod and a half-smile. But how much are we missing when distracted by our thoughts, phones, or surroundings? Are we unintentionally making others feel unseen and unvalued? Ouch.

Let me tell you, I’m naturally a distracted person. I get so lost in my thoughts that I’ve missed entire movie plotlines and even driven right past my kid’s school. True story: one time, my 11-year-old got out of the car and shouted, “Why do you keep forgetting me?” – I didn’t forget you, child; I was just thinking too hard.

But when it comes to conversations, it’s a different level of distraction. Missing key details doesn’t just mean you’re out of the loop—it can make the other person feel dismissed, undervalued, or ignored. Let’s be clear, this post isn’t about making yourself more likable, but let’s face it: if you listen, let people talk, and make them feel seen, your relationships and likeability will naturally grow. People value being heard, even if they don’t consciously realize it.

Self-awareness is key, and for someone like me, who’s prone to distraction, a strategy is essential. Here are my tips to focus and show up fully during conversations:

Put Technology Away

Phones are the ultimate distraction. Even if it’s just sitting on the table, it silently demands your attention. So, when you’re meeting someone for coffee or having a meaningful conversation, put it out of sight.

Consider the work of Evan Carmichael, who explains that even holding a phone sends a subconscious message that the person you’re talking to doesn’t matter. That’s not the vibe you want to give off.

Let your body speak

Body language speaks volumes. Don’t stay glued to your desk or half-listen while multitasking. Turn toward the person, maintain natural eye contact (not the intense kind that makes it awkward), and engage with their words. Smile, nod, and lean in when appropriate.

And please, for the love of all social norms, don’t rely on “That’s crazy.” Instead, lean into tip number 3.

Ask questions, not give advice

A great conversation starts with curiosity, not advice. Typically, people don’t want advice unless they ask for it—#sorrynotsorry. Skip the generic “How are you?” and dig a little deeper. Try asking, “What’s been going on in your life lately?”—it’s more open-ended and invites a real conversation. For the love of good conversation, please stop interrupting (just a gentle reminder). Instead, listen actively and ask follow-up questions to explore what they’re sharing. I’ll admit, I do this often, and when you come across a good talker, you can easily find yourself in a 60-minute conversation. So, it’s important to know how to gracefully wrap it up when the time comes. And no, a good talker will not get the cue that “that’s crazy” means you are done. Say, “ I really enjoyed talking to you; I need to XYZ; we will catch up soon!”

Bonus Tip: Make Mental Notes

After learning something new about someone, jot it down. If they mention an upcoming trip or their love for Martha Stewart, add it to your notes app (I use Google Keep). Writing it down helps you remember and gives you something meaningful to bring up next time. It’s a small act that shows you care and were truly listening.

All this to say, it’s not about having the perfect response or sharing your own stories—it’s about making the other person feel seen, heard, and valued. By putting distractions aside, engaging with genuine curiosity, and using thoughtful body language, you’re not just improving your communication skills—you’re building stronger, deeper connections. So next time someone says, “Hey, are you listening?” you can confidently answer, “Yes, and I’m all in.”